ANNOUNCER: December 17, 1989.
History is made.
America says hello
to the first non-prehistoric family
in prime-time animation.
BART SIMPSON (echoing): Ay caramba!
(audience laughing)
ANNOUNCER: January 12, 1997.
History isn't done.
King of the Hill premieres,
taking America by light drizzle.
HANK HILL (echoing): I sell propane.
(audience laughing)
ANNOUNCER: January 31, 1999.
Knock-knock. Who's there?
It's history again, as Family Guy premieres.
STEWIE (echoing): Ay, caramba!
(audience laughs, applauds)
ANNOUNCER: And then, history makes
its first mistake in history-- it cancels Family Guy.
ANNOUNCER: August 12, 2004.
Eric Hammel, a misogynistic, pot-head loner from Cincinnati,
walks into a store and buys a Family Guy DVD.
History is listening.
(quickly): American Dad is also a show.
But tonight, the biggest history
in the history of history will be made.
Because, for the first time ever,
prime-time animation will be going... live!
From Fox Studios, in Century City, California,
it's the first-ever live telecast of an animated series.
This is... The Cleveland Show Live!
With special guest star Julia Roberts!
Brought to you by Circuit City!
Circuit City--
there's one left!
Come find us!
Featuring the Walter Murphy Orchestra.
(audience applauds)
And now, an overweight, bumbling, cartoon dad...
Cleveland Brown!
(applause)
♪ My name is Cleveland Brown ♪
♪ And I am proud to be ♪
♪ Right back for season two ♪
♪ With my new family... ♪
(timpani roll)
Ladies and gentlemen, the original Solid Gold Dancers!
(applause)
♪ There's old friends and new friends and even a bear ♪
♪ Through good times and bad times ♪
♪ It's true love we share ♪
♪ And so I found a place where I don't take no jive ♪
♪ Screw The Amazing Race ♪
♪ You're watching Cleveland Live! ♪
-- Sync, corrected by elderman -- -- for www.addic7ed.com -- (chuckles)
Thank you!
CLEVELAND (amplified): Thank you!
The Cleveland Show 2x02 Cleveland Live! Original Air Date on October 3, 2010
(audience applauds)
Whoop, here I is!
That's gonna be my new catchphrase for season two.
(audience laughs)
Mine's gonna be "Teddy Bear Picnic."
(audience laughs)
You know what? Forget it.
Catchphrases are stupid.
Party over here!
(audience cheers and applauds)
Boys, I--
(applause continues)
Boys, I need--
(applause continues)
Boys, I need you to go pack your things.
You'll be spending the night at Robert's apartment.
Dad's place?!
All right!
I bet he takes me to the outdoor mall,
so I can drum on buckets for change!
(imitates drumbeat): Ba-doo-doo-da!
Ba-doo-doo-doo-doo-ba,doo-doo, doo-doo-do-do-ba-do-ba!
Now, that's funky.
Dad, are we being sent to Robert's to scare us straight?
No, I paid Robert to watch you
so Donna and I can have the place to ourselves.
It's our first anniversary,
and I've planned a big romantic dinner,
which could very well lead to slow dancing,
the recitation of love poetry
and other things that are too taboo to be discussed.
(titters)
If I were Bernie Mac, I'd be sittin' in a chair right now
telling America how stupid you are.
Miss you, Bernie.
(audience whistles, applauds)
MAN: Damn! MAN 2: Ooh, yeah!
Hey, Roberta, are you staying at your deadbeat dad's, too?
Please, if I wanted to breathe toxic mold and get flea bites,
I'd date Zach Galifianakis.
It's gonna happen one way or the other.
(laughter)
Roberta's staying at her friend Tassie's house.
You know, the Iranian one.
Because Ayatollah her to get lost!
(laughs)
Naw, but it's going to work out great.
Donna is going to be so surp--
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You're fat!
You know what else is fat?
Rudeness.
(audience cheers, applauds)
Hey, you kids like games, right?
Well, I got a fun one for you.
It's called "Open the Box, Take Out the DVD Player,
Put a Brick Where It Was, and Then Tape It Back Up."
And then we can build a wall out of the DVD players! Yay!
(tires screeching outside)
Aw, no. They found me!
Quick! Move! Out the back window!
Man, we're three stories up!
It's okay, the Dumpster will break our fall.
But I'm scared, Daddy!
I'm not your daddy, fool!
Let's split.
Here I gooooooooooo!
(crashing)
To infinity, and beyoooooond!
(crashing)
Guess it's my turn.
Aaaaaaaaaahhhh!
(crashing)
(audience laughs)
Anthony.
Ah...
Let's see, I'll sit here
and I guess the most natural thing
would be for Donna to sit next to me,
also facing in that direction.
You can come in now, Donna!
(applause)
WOMAN: You go, girl! WOMAN 2: Mm-hmm!
Cleveland, you made all this
and you're going to clean it all up by yourself afterwards?
Whatever.
Now, let's get to work on making those legs wobbly.
(audience whoops)
Look at me, I'm totally nude!
(audience laughs)
Looks like I've got some catching up to do,
behind this pillar we've always had.
(audience whoops)
MAN IN AUDIENCE: Boobs!
Eeeek!
Robert!
There's some bad stuff going down.
Real bad.
These people don't mess around.
I'm gonna have to lay low here for a couple of days.
No, absolutely not!
It's our first anniversary!
The paper anniversary.
I was gonna give her an index card on which I'd written,
"I'd marry you all over again."
Wait a minute.
There's no reason I still can't give it you.
Here you go.
(touched): Awww...
(audience coos)
WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: You got a good one, girl!
(wailing)
Aw, please don't let my daddy get killed, Cleveland!
You can't be my only male role model!
I'll grow up to be a overweight, gay loser!
(chuckles)
That's crazy talk, sugar.
(audience laughs)
Cleveland, he's in a lot of trouble.
We don't have a choice.
(chortles)
Hey, look like C-Brown just got C-blocked.
(audience laughs, applauds)
Time to get strapped, Doughboy.
Pardon me?
Get your gun ready.
I don't have a gun!
I used to live here.
We got guns everywhere.
Flip the couch.
I don't even need to buy bullets,
'cause I'm sweating them!
Sheesh!
STAGE MANAGER: And we're clear.
(buzzer sounds)
Okay, where's the guy who said I was fat?
MAN (defiantly): Right here.
(body thuds, audience gasps)
And apparently the props department
has put real bullets in our guns.
Sorry about that!
(upbeat theme music play
ANNOUNCER: The Cleveland Show Live! will be right back!
Robert and Rallo, places for Act Two.
Robert and Rallo.
(all laughing)
(applause, theme music playing)
(car brakes squeak, door opens)
Someone's coming! Get ready.
Honey, I'm-- Now!
My tibias!
Ahh! There's a sack my head!
Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!
I think it's Cleveland.
Or someone who sounds like Cleveland sent here to fool us.
No, it's me!
My fibulas!
Donna, that man is--
(audience laughs, Donna stifles a laugh)
Heh... heh...
Sure is windy in here.
(audience laughs)
Donna, that man is a nuisance and a menace
and he's putting our family in danger.
He has to go.
The only Robert I want to see around here is Julia Roberts.
(audience whoops, applauds)
Look, Cleveland, Robert's the father of my children,
so unless you can come up with another safe place,
he's staying with us.
Aw, but I was going to do
a makeup anniversary dinner tonight.
I got filet mignon!
I'm sorry, honey.
Oh, I guess I'll have to save that filet f'later.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Booo!
I-I mean, yay!
(audience applauding, cheering)
Man, Cleveland, you skipped fun drunk and sad drunk
and went straight to angry drunk.
You'd be angry too,
if your wife's ex-husband was sleeping on your couch.
(quiet squeak)
STAGE MANAGER (whispers): Houseguest. Sinbad.
H-Housebad!
Thank you.
I just wish I could find somewhere else
for Robert to go.
That guy living in my house
is more out of place than I would be
as an aristocratic woman in 18th-century France.
CLEVELAND: Coming through... Keep it clear, please!
(audience laughs)
(fancy accent): Warning-- don't go in the toilette.
After eating all those heavy French pastries,
I've turned the bidet into a bi-don't.
(laughter)
So, yeah, Robert doesn't belong in my house.
Look, Cleveland, Robert has come to you in his time of need,
and you have to be a good Christian and help him.
I know it's hard, but you gotta just, uh, suck it off.
Fine. If you're such a good Christian, Tim,
why don't you take him in?
Me?!
It's, uh, not really a good time for us, you know.
A couple of periods ago, Arianna went crazy
and tore up the mattress in the guest room.
Hi, Jesus, it's me, Cleveland.
I know I haven't talked to you since Donna's pregnancy scare,
but I need to tell you a little something about my friend Tim,
who I thought was a good Christian...
Aw, come on! Don't bust me to Jesus!
Well...?
All right, I guess I should papa what I preach.
If you're going to be hiding out with us,
you must put on a shirt.
Nobody wants to see your pumped-up muscles
and prison scars.
What's wrong, you gettin' turned on?
You can't handle it?
Oh, please.
I wouldn't "handle it"
wearing the thickest of my gardening gloves.
And put that out.
This is a smoke-free household.
Lady, you sure got a lot of rules.
(growls)
Grr, yourself, bear bitch.
(audience "oohs")
Call me a bitch again.
(audience murmurs)
(sighing)
(moaning)
MAN: Oh, yeah!
(whistling)
Brisk.
Whoa.
Whose funeral are you all dressed up f?
Please say my dentist.
(laughter)
That was an ad lib.
I should be getting paid to write this show, too.
And y'all never got back to me about directing that episode.
I'm dressed up because your mother and I
are finally having our anniversary dinner.
Here, go see a movie.
Nothing with boobs.
(groans): Aw.
And nothing with elves.
(groans): Aw.
(applause, whistling)
Mm-mm!
This place is dark, romantic and smells like fondue.
Just like my man.
Happy anniversa...
(loud thud)
Roberta.
What a surprise to see you here at this particular time.
And not entering through the door,
but through this fourth wall of our house.
Well, I thought I'd stop by, because apparently
I've been over at Tassie's for three days now.
Uh... (clears throat) you have?
Yeah, but I guess somebody didn't think of that
when he cut my story out of the show.
Remember?
Roberta takes the debate team to regionals.
Yeah, that was a laugh riot.
Set your VCR.
Nobody uses VCRs anymore, fool!
How do you play tapes?
(audience murmuring)
(clears throat)
I wonder who's at the door.
Right now!
(doorbell rings)
Oh, it's Tim.
Tim, what are you doing here?
Arianna, Robert--
I-I walked in on them.
They were playing hide the Salman Rushdie.
What?
First he did it regular style,
and then he did it like an NBA guy.
Right on top of our Energy Star-qualified washer
from Circuit City.
Say, Tim, how much does that Energy Star-qualified washer
from Circuit City tend to save you on your utility bills?
As much as $200 a year.
Not too shabby.
Anyway, Arianna said she doesn't love me anymore.
She said Robert is everything I'm not:
strong and virile, and, uh, he-he doesn't cry after.
So, you know, yay for Robert.
Cleveland, this is your fault.
You told him to tear up my wife?
No, sir. I wouldn't...
ROBERTA: Don't mind me.
(audience murmuring)
I'm just gonna
start my own after-party here.
You know, 'cause the show's over for me.
Since my debate story got cut.
Uh... (chuckles)
Roberta, I don't think you should be drinking,
since you're only 15.
I play 15, jackass.
All right, ha, seems like Roberta's not feeling well,
so maybe she should go to the doctor and...
Maybe you should go to hell!
Don't you touch me! Okay, settle down.
I'm a survivor! And you know why? Live episode.
I can do it all. Remember, this affects all of us.
♪ I'm every woman. ♪ Studio execs are watching.
I was in Hustle and Flow! You want to be in the upcoming movie,
you might want to play ball. Back off, old man!
(gagging)
Go to commercial. Go to commer...
(sustained beep)
(applause, theme music playing)
So, Roberta, you told me you have something to say?
Yes.
I would like to apologize for my behavior earlier.
Underage drinking is a major problem in our society,
one that is in no way condoned by Fox Broadcasting Corporation
or its affiliates.
As for the thing I said, I have a logical explanation.
I ate some bad shrimp and went crazy.
But the last thing you and Mom needed was someone else
interrupting your anniversary celebration, when my dad Robert
already ruined it once.
And who knows what will happen now that Tim the Bear
has barged in to announce that his wife Arianna
had sex with Robert.
Now back to my friend Tassie's house.
Stay there as long as you want.
Boy, Tim, this Arianna thing.
Rough, rough stuff.
(growls): Rough stuff.
(sobbing)
Cleveland, can I talk to you for a moment?
I'm worried about Tim.
We've got to talk to Arianna.
Man, it's all my fault
for bringing Robert into their lives.
It sounds like he and Arianna are getting freakier
than the time I was a masseuse at the Playboy Mansion.
(laughter)
♪ ♪
All right, which one of you ladies should I lotion up...
(grunts)
(laughter)
(groaning)
(laughter)
No, no!
No funny!
That was really bad.
(groans)
Are you okay, Cleveland?
Mr. Brown.
Fine. Moving on!
(grunts)
(doorbell rings)
(pants, groans)
Cracked it.
Oh, it's cracked.
(groans)
Donna, if you're looking for Robert, he's sleeping.
We were up till 4:00 in the morning.
Well, he was up.
That is innuendo.
And he was in my endo.
Be that as it may, Arianna, you need to take Tim back.
Being without you has wrecked him.
Speaking of rectum...
Wrecked him.
Tim's a wreck.
Arianna, what you're doing is wrong.
It's adultery!
I mean, what if I told your church friends?
That a self-righteous Christian is actually a hypocrite?
Alert the media.
But how can you throw away
this whole unremarkable life you have with Tim?
It's easy.
Robert is amazing in bed.
He's wild and adventurous,
and his technique is almost magical.
The way he kisses your ear and brings you right up to the edge,
and then at exactly the right moment...
He bites down, and it's pain and pleasure,
and a thousand volts of electricity
shoot through every inch of your body!
He never helped with the dishes, though.
Game, set and match.
(laughter, theme music plays)
Tim, if you want Arianna back, you have to fight for her.
Oh, no, I'm not fighting Robert.
I-I got priors, man.
Tim, listen to me.
You don't have to fight him,
you just need to stand up for yourself.
Arianna wants somebody who's strong.
You have to be manly, like a Latino man or an Italian man
or a German woman.
All right, then.
She wants manly, I'll give her manly--
up the old wazoo!
Uh, why don't we take the road less traveled?
(laughter)
They tracked me here!
You got to find a place for me to hide.
Wait, Bob.
Take me with you.
I still have four nipples you haven't touched.
Man, this bitch got a lot of nipples.
(pounding on door)
Oh, no! It's all over!
(cheering, applause)
Wait a minute, who are you?
I'm his parole officer, Julia Robertson.
(applause)
I may look like a pretty woman, but I'm a steel magnolia.
And I eat, pray, love being a parole officer,
even when I have to miss my best friend's wedding
to track down a runaway bride.
I was also in The Pelican Brief.
Parole officer
This whole time you've been running scared
from your parole officer?
Resolved, bitches!
Oh, fluff me. (audience murmuring)
I said, "resolved!"
It's a debate term!
DIRECTOR: Camera two.
Uh, so this whole time, Robert, you've been...
Don't you cut away from me!
Judges of this debate final, DIRECTOR: Adjust left.
Title Nine legislation Tighter. Tighter.
has given the girls of this nation
confidence and self-esteem.
Get off her. (Roberta belches)
As former vice presidential candidate Camera two.
Geraldine Ferraro said,
"Opportunity is not a privilege. Screw it, just let her talk.
It's a right."
And that is why your story was cut.
Trying to keep me out of the show.
I am the damn show!
(audience gasps)
DONNA: Someone get the medic!
TIM: Save America's favorite smile!
There goes the Emmy.
Give us some room, people.
(audience murmuring)
Hey, now that Arianna's here,
it's your chance to win her back.
DIRECTOR: Uh, Cleveland, we've only got 60 seconds left.
What?! 58 seconds.
We need to wrap it up.
Damn Roberta, wasting our time.
56 seconds.
Okay, okay. Here's what happens.
Tim stands up to Robert, which makes Arianna see him as a man.
Or a bear or whatever.
And Robert realizes his parole officer just wanted to tell him
to spend more time with his son, so he takes Rallo bowling,
and Cleveland Jr. goes along, too,
'cause they have cheese fries there.
Which means Donna and I are finally free
to have our romantic dinner.
Romantic dinner, quick!
(R&B music plays)
Mmm.
Happy anniversary, Donna.
You've brought a lot of craziness into my life,
but I wouldn't have it any other way.
Clear!
I love you, Cleveland.
Clear!
I love you, Donna.
(moaning softly)
Call it. 8:58.
We did it! (cheering)
We really did it!
We pulled it off live!
...off live!
(cheering)
(playing mellow jazz music)
All right, that's all we got. Whew!
Ah, to my amazing crew, sorry I've been stressed out this week
and yelled at those P.A.'s earlier
and shot that guy up in the audience.
You know it comes from a good place.
I'd like to thank Fox and of course Seth and Julia Rob--
Sorry, the late Julia Roberts.
There's one more star in heaven, 9/11 was an inside job.
Good night, everybody!
-- Sync, corrected by elderman -- -- for www.addic7ed.com --